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Did You Hear This One?
By Various
Aug 12, 2008, 13:45
IRVING THE JEWISH DOG
Irving the Jewish Dog and Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, 'My dog has a problem. 'Dr. Saul says, 'So, tell me about the dog and the problem.' 'It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,' says Morty.
'He can talk?' the doubting doctor asks. 'Watch this!' Morty points to the dog and commands: 'Irving, Fetch!' Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, 'So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!'
Dr. Saul is amazed, 'This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?'Morty says, 'He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch.''
RABBI'S LETTER
A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word:
"SCHMUCK"
The next Friday night he announced,
"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But, this week, I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter."
THE FARMER
A Texan is visiting Israel, and feeling thirsty, he stops at a house along the road. "Can you give me a drink of water?" asks the Texan.
"Of course," says the Israeli, and invites the Texan to come in.
"What do you do?" says the Texan."I raise a few chickens," says the Israeli.
"Really?" says the Texan. "I'm also a farmer. How much land do you have?"
"Well", says the Israeli, "out front it's fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of property. And what about your place?"
"Well", says the Texan, "on my ranch, I have breakfast and get into the car, and I drive and drive...and I don't reach the end of the ranch until dinnertime."
"Really," replies the Israeli. "I used to have a car like that."
A PRIEST AND A RABBI
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork."
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"
NON-KOSHER
One day a rabbi decided to try pork without telling anybody. So he went to a non-kosher restaurant and ordered the pork. Then, suddenly, a couple from his congregation walked into the restaurant. The couple came over to the rabbi's table and sat down. The waiter came out of the kitchen holding the pork on a big plate with a apple in it's mouth and it was covered. The waiter brought to the table and lifted up the cover. The rabbi said " What a restaurant! You ask them for a baked apple and look what they give you.
THE LAST MEAL
Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which he is served. He is then executed.
Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which he is served. He too is then promptly executed.
Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
"Strawberries?"
"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
"But they are out of season."
"So, I'll wait . . . ."
ACTS OF GOD
There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the rabbi got up on the bima and spoke to his flock. "Having children is an act of GOD!" shouted the Rabbi.
In the back of the sanctuary, a little man with full white beard and yarmulka rose and shouted in his frail voice, "Point of information. Snowing and raining are also acts of GOD. But, we wear rubbers!"
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